Applelust.com: Out of Sync - God Interview...

Out of Sync

Shocking Interview: Why God Pulled the Dual-800 Server

In what has proven to be a startling and most relevant discovery, Applelust has learned that God Himself was responsible for the pulling of the recent Dual-800 server from the Apple web site, recently reported here at Applelust. We at Applelust are honored to have been given exclusive coverage of this most amazing, and enlightening, story.

As we approach the Pearly Gates, we see God reclining in what appears to be a very comfortable, cloud-like chair. Balanced carefully in His lap, amidst His pure white robes, sits what appears to be a laptop of impressive quality. As we enter the Gates, we see, to our unexpressed joy, an Apple logo! The laptop case itself appears to be completely clear, but with a strange, deep translucence, much richer than that of the beloved Cube and iMac lines.

God appears to be very busy. We stop our approach, and from our vantage point, we can see the contents of His screen through the lid of the incredibly beautiful laptop case, in mirror image, of course. Without even looking up, God waves His hand, beckoning us to approach. He motions us to another cloud-like couch off to the side, next to a crystal clear coffee table, and we sit.

Applelust: stammering in awe God, we would like to thank You for granting us this interview.

GOD: His finger glides on the transparent trackpad, and there is a soft "click" as the screen instantly refreshes Hey, no problemo. Always a pleasure. Can I offer you a drink? You look dehydrated. There is also a bowl of red M&M's behind you on the table. His eyes still glued to the screen

AL: Err... um... no, that's fine. Err... what sort of a computer do You have there?

GOD: another "click" as He stops working, leans back in His chair, and turns to us, smiling Isn't she a beauty? This is the new PowerBook Diamond, the nick that has been going around here is the DiBook. Look at that screen resolution! turning it around so we can see I've got this baby loaded up with 1Gx (Note: "Gx" is pronounced "gex" for "googolplex") of RAM. It is a real screamer. And PhotoShop? Forgetaboutit.

AL: It is a beauty. Umm... So, God, is that why You chose a Mac? Appearance?

GOD: lovingly caressing the smooth, glistening curves of the DiBook as He speaks Well, in part. I mean, in My line of work, you learn to appreciate beauty and design. eyes saddening slightly as He looks away I mean, every system has its bugs, its glitches. Like this Mac OS MMI, it is getting there. But, I have to deal with enough ugliness as it is. If I have the option to surround Myself with beauty and make My eternal existence a little bit more pleasant, I am going to go for it.

AL: Any other reasons You decided to go with a Mac besides appearance?

GOD: Well, yes, the ease of use is another factor. Not that I couldn't learn Windows if I didn't want to.

AL: taking notes

GOD: laughing That was a JOKE! You know that I already know everything, don't you? Omniscient? All Seeing? Hello? Anybody home?

AL: blushing, and drawing a line through the frantic scribbling ...Sorry.

GOD: S'OK. Lighten up, you look tense. Have an M&M.

AL: That's OK, we're fine.

GOD: You sure? How about an Evian? I pride Myself on being a good host.

AL: No, really, we're fine. taking notes So, You like technology then?

GOD: Like it? Sure! Why not. And even though I don't have to learn anything, I can still appreciate ease of use. Makes My time on this thing all the more fun, and believe Me, I can use all of the fun that I can get.

AL: Well... we all can.

GOD: silence

AL: ...Which brings us to the subject of the pulled Dual-800 server.

GOD: Yep.

AL: You pulled it?

GOD: Yep.

AL: Why?

GOD: Because you people are being irresponsible. Keep it up, and I will have you communicating long distance with soup cans and knitting yarn.

AL: gulping But why are You punishing everybody, when only a small fraction of people are at fault?

God snaps the lid of His DiBook shut, and after an instant of almost imperceivable disk chattering, a soft, pure, white light slowly pulses from within. God pivots in His chair, turning to face us. There is an anger in His eyes, and for a moment, we are genuinely frightened.

GOD: leaning forward, His voice very controlled and stern ...By "small fraction," you mean the evil-doers?

AL: stammering Umm... err... Well, yes. We were thinking... well... When we heard that You had pulled the Dual-800 server, we assumed that... well... that You felt that we were... errr...

GOD: cuts in ...abusing your technology?

AL: glancing downward ...Maybe.

GOD: ...using it to hurt each other?

AL: blushing ...Yes.

GOD: voice softening ...Wrong.

AL: eyes looking up ...Wrong?

GOD: I accept the evil-doers, the bugs in the system. Any complex system has its problems. I accept the morons that write the viruses, the worms. I accept the... tears filling His eyes those... that would want to associate with an incident... a horrible incident... like the World Trade Center Disaster where... over 6,000 of My children were... brutally... senselessly... voice trails off

We see God in a state that later reflection reveals to be one of upset, concern, and frustration to a degree that He has never before experienced in the history of the Universe.

AL: We're sorry, we didn't mean to upset You. We should have been more sensitive. You have a lot on Your mind.

GOD: regaining His composure I am fine.

AL: somewhat relieved

GOD: leaning forward And, THAT is My point. THAT is why I pulled the Dual-800 server.

AL: confused Ummm... God, we are sure that You must hear this a lot, but, You lost us.

GOD: reaching for an Evian and cracking it open You sure that I can't offer you a drink?

AL: distracted and then refocusing Maybe later, what is this about Your point?

GOD: pausing to take a cool, refreshing sip My point is that I, ME, I have a lot on MY mind.

AL: ...About the World Trade Center Disaster. Yes, we all...

GOD: NO!

AL: knocked off balance Right! No, not about the World Trade Center Disaster per se, about the hackers that are writing the worms and viruses, releasing them on the internet, and associating them with that tragedy. We all agree that that is a despicable...

GOD: No, no, NO!

AL: lost No? Then what is it?

GOD: Not what. Who.

AL: OK, then WHO is it?

GOD: The rest of you.

AL: speechless

GOD: Like I just said, I accept the bugs in any system. Any complex system is going to have its problems. You think that your operating systems are complex? Ha! Try programming a Universe. Talk about updates. Geez.

AL: wildly scribbling notes

GOD: ...And when you tell Me that "I" have a lot on "My" mind, it drives ME crazy, because that is precisely the problem. "I" am the one with a lot on My mind. That is the problem. All of you down there, all of the good technical people, are all looking the other way as if it is not YOUR problem. Hello? Remember what WWW stands for? World Wide Web. Get it? In case you don't, that means (1) the entire world and (2) that you are all connected. Everyone paying attention?

AL: Yes! We are starting to follow, please go on.

GOD: If you want to drive around in circles in your backyard in a go cart, there aren't many rules that you have to follow. Maybe some things about noise, stuff like that. But, when you want to drive an automobile on a public street, there are a lot more rules that you have to follow. A lot of them are safety rules. Why? Because if you don't, your actions can affect the safety of others. If you want to play in your backyard with a go cart with lousy brakes, that is your business. If you don't mind crashing into a fence and breaking your neck, that is your business. But, if you want to drive a car with lousy brakes into someone ELSE'S car and break THEIR neck, or worse, sorry, you don't have that right.

AL: We understand.

GOD: The same is true when you hook up to a water utility. You are legally responsible to insure that you do not pollute the water system of your neighbors.

AL: nods

GOD: You can't have a radio transmitter that pollutes the airwaves. You can't have a telephone that disrupts a trunk line. You can't have a sewer system that contaminates the ground water. You can't throw your garbage out in the street. You can't walk your dog and have him do his business on the sidewalk.

AL: scribbling

GOD: I mean, do you people have to learn this lesson each time? I thought that the whole Second Hand Smoke thing would finally get it through your heads. If you are alone, you can smoke all you want. I don't care if it gets so thick, you can't see your hand in front of your face. But, you can't blow your smoke into the face of someone else, that is not your right. Got it? Sheesh!

AL: sheepishly We... We still don't quite get Your point.

GOD: leaning forward and speaking softly If you are going to be connected to the internet, then it is YOUR responsibility to insure that your computer doesn't pollute that public place. You don't have the right to ruin it for everyone else through your negligence. I can't fix that. That is your responsibility. There is NO EXCUSE why all of you have these online systems that are still so vulnerable to worms and viruses WEEKS after the appropriate patches have been released.

AL: Well, God, in all fairness, a lot of those systems are owned by little guys, and they don't care too much because, well, what hacker would want to attack a little guy?

GOD: sighing in frustration The worms and viruses don't know that you are a little guy. Maybe the little guy doesn't get his own system beat on that much. But the worms like Code Red and Nimda use the little guy's systems to breed and bang the bejesus out of everybody else.

AL: embarrassed Oh.

GOD: Yeah, oh. And then all of you stand around with your hands in your pockets, blaming the big guys. Well, the big guys are for the most part busting their butts trying to set things right. Then you all start clucking your tongues at all the losers and script kiddies that actually write the worms and viruses. Well, they are all idiots. I don't look to them to stop, they will get what is coming to them soon enough. pointing a finger straight down through the clouds I look to all of the rest of you to nip this thing while it is in the bud, while you still can. Get the message? You Are All Connected, in more ways than you realize, and the internet is one of them. Deal with it.

AL: shuddering as His finger points So, what should we do?

GOD: Well, there are a few of you, a few Hacker Heroes, that have been developing systems to thwart the worms and viruses and stop them in their tracks, or at least slow them down, and that is great. There are others that are helping to track the actual irresponsible culprits down, and I applaud that. But, the rest of you don't seem to give a damn unless your system itself is sick. That kind of thinking just doesn't work anymore. It is like, if you stayed at home all of the time, you might not need to worry about a vaccination shot. But, if you are out in public, and you are contagious, you can end up spreading a disease to others before you are even aware that you are sick. It is a LOT like that. So, since you are in effect out in the public when you are connected to the internet, you need to take steps to insure public safety.

AL: Such as?

GOD: You need to keep up with the appropriate security patches for your system. You need to do the research and decide if a firewall makes sense for you, and if it does, install one. You definitely need to monitor your own system to see if it is infected. And you definitely need to have appropriate virus scanning software. Stop pointing your fingers at each other. Clean up your individual acts.

AL: We get it.

GOD: Even more significantly, you need to start hammering on those system developers and INSIST that they make their products less vulnerable to hacker attacts, or that they at least be more responsive and get the patches out on a timely basis. And the patches have to be simple to apply, not involving some convoluted procedure that requires an experienced systems administration team, for My sake. If they are nonresponsive, then you should consider switching to a different system. It is like owning a new car that is blowing blue smoke out the back and leaking transmission fluid, and having the manufacturer refuse to fix it. At some point, if you care about the environment, you need to switch brands.

AL: Very good point.

GOD: sternly And if you are waiting for ME to fix the internet, stock up on soup cans and knitting yarn, because you are going to need it.

AL: silence

GOD: more sternly Either take responsibility, police yourselves, and clean up your individual systems, or get off the net, buy Gameboys, sit in pottie chairs, and play Tetris.

AL: silent nod

GOD: even more sternly Don't make Me come down there...

AL: nodding We won't, God. Promise. We won't.

Author's Note: OK, you heard the Boss. I, for one, love the internet, and I love my PowerBook. If you want to read about a Code Red Call to All Real Hackers, look here. If you want to learn about a Mac firewall product, look at the review of NetBarrier here. If you want to read about Worms, Viruses, and Heroes, and the efforts of one of the latter, look here. And, lastly, if you know of a Hacker Hero and their efforts, or if you are a Hacker Hero yourself, send me a URL and a brief description, and I will write it up. Like the Boss said, it is time to start looking in the mirror for a solution while we still can, people, and I don't mean a mirror site.

Charles Sorgie

Go to Charles' Out of Sync/Sync Different page here at Applelust.

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