iMaculate Conception

The Megahertz Myth

©8-28-01 Joel Davies

Well, when it comes to explaining the Megahertz Myth, its all Greek to me.

A long time ago on an island far, far away...

One lovely afternoon, Hermes (the Greek God of Messengers) is called to Mount Olympus to divine a solution to a task set forth by Zeus. After dropping off a bottle of extra-virgin olive oil to Aphrodite (its kind of hard not to shower her with gifts), he stops by the throne room to talk to the big guy.

"I have for you a new task, Messenger," booms Zeus. "I require an allotment of scrolls to be delivered to the ports on the Sea from here on Mount Olympus."

"No problem, man. How many scrolls are we talking? I can carry three if I'm realy careful," Hermes replies as he lounges on the steps below Zeus, picking the sand from the wings on his heels.

"I need you to deliver one hundred twenty-eight scrolls, smart-ass," growls Zeus, "and you had better not drop any of them. You may, of course, build a conveyance to aid you in this quest."

"Oh, man - you know I'm due for a vacation, and I really don't work with this kind of volume..."

"SILENCE! I have gotten a little tired of your lip, Messenger. You should know I am auditioning another to take your place if you can't complete this simple quest. If you leave the Pantheon in such a disgrace, I will chain you to a rock in the Caucasus Mountains where an eagle will feed on your liver for eternity."

"Raunchy! Hey, wait a minute," a hopeful tone slides into Hermes voice, "isn't that Prometheus' punishment?"

"Yes," replies Zeus, "but that damned Herakles killed the eagle and let him go. Don't you worry, smart-mouth, I have plenty of eagles - I am the King of the Gods, you know."

Later, on the side of Mount Olympus...

Hermes sits looking at a heaping pile of scrolls, assorted wheels and axles, and a stack of wood and tools.

"I'm a Messenger for crying out loud! Why would Zeus want me to build a blasted cart? Hephaestus should be out here working on this."

Hermes selects a couple of the sturdier wheels, and starts to lay out his cart, puzzling out which route he should take to the ports on the Sea. He is surprised to see a figure running helter-skelter down the side of Mount Olympus.

"Hey there! Lend a God a hand, will you," he calls to the runner. The runner stumbles, startled to see a God in his path. With a sheepish grin, he slowly walks over to Hermes. "Prometheus?! I heard you got out - you didn't steal fire again, did you?"

"Hey Hermes. No, this isn't fire, exactly. Its a cable that carries Fire, though. Apparently, it can carry fire pretty fast. I'm on my way to a strange land far in the West called California with this wire of fire." Prometheus proudly displays his "fire wire."

"Man, it takes a lot of guts to steal from Zeus twice, " observes Hermes.

"Not really, especially after that eagle chews on you for a while. I'm practically gut-free."

Hermes winces and explains his situation to Prometheus, hoping for some advice. Prometheus bursts into laughter. "Oh, man - this is rich - you folks really ought to unionize. You know, I saw the two wannabes auditioning here earlier - they were building carts - same as you."

"You saw them," gasps Hermes, "actually auditioning for my job? Who were they?"

"Well, one of them was a cow - I swear to Zeus - a cow. Why they think a cow would run fast, I have no idea. The other guy was wearing some pretty fancy duds. He kept stealing the cow's design and bragging about how he was going to build the same cart, but sell it cheaper to undercut the cow. He also claimed to have invented carts and scrolls - which really seemed to infuriate the cow. They built small carts, and headed down the mountain road."

"The mountain road," muses Hermes, "is all downhill, so they can move really fast. Of course, they have to stop in twenty towns on the way down, which will slow them down. I bet they also had to build narrow carts to get down that road."

Prometheus smiles and nods encouragingly. "They sure did build narrow carts - they can only fit about a fourth of their scrolls in their carts at once."

"So they take the scrolls down the mountain thirty-two at a time. Well, I'll build a cart that can fit all 128 scrolls at once."

"Why not just steal their carts," Prometues frowns, "it always works for me. besides, a cart that big will never make it down the mountain road."

"Indeed, that's why I'm taking the river road, it only has seven towns to slow me down. Although it won't appear to be as fast, I'll only make one trip. And even running slower, I bet I can really beat them down there," Hermes says, pumping his fist in the air. "Why settle for raw speed, when I can combine speed and power?"

"Well, have a lovely time - I need to get moving if I'm going to get to California any time soon," Prometheus says, jogging away. "But I still think you should just steal a cart. I would!"

Hermes shakes his head, and builds his 128 scroll cart. After finishing his cart, he grabs hold of the yoke and makes for the river road.

Later, down by the Sea...

Hermes is sunning himself on a pier while Zeus counts the scrolls. "Well, that was pretty ingenious, Hermes. you must have come down the river road instead of the mountain road to use a cart that big." Zeus puts the last of the scrolls down and checks his sundial. "Pretty good time, too. Much better than those other boneheads."

Hermes sits up on the pier and stretches. "Well, I figured I could get all the scrolls down here with just one trip on the River Road, and still move fast with only the one-third the stops. They both took the other route. I just decided to think different."

"Think differently," corrects Zeus.

Hermes stands up and looks around. "Whatever. So where are the hopefuls, anyway - I didn't see them down here. Just a couple of piles of thirty-two scrolls."

"Well, in the time it took you to get here, even though they had a tremendous head start, they were just getting ready to head back up the mountain road. On the way back down, they both met with awful fates. The one in the fancy clothes - his cart spontaneously burst into flame - a heat problem with his mobile design, apparently. The cow's cart became unstable and crashed through a pane of windows, tearing the scrolls and hopelessly corrupting the information they held, " mourns Zeus.

Hermes cocks his head, and frowns. "What are Windows?"

"Exactly, " smiles Zeus.

Epilogue

Hermes did get his vacation. He took an extended Roman holiday, and changed his name to Mercury. The alchemists down the viaduct nicknamed him "Quicksilver." Mercury was just happy that his name didn't call to mind those recurring cold sores anymore.

Joel Davies

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